Friday, August 31, 2012

Going Green, Hotel Style!

In my opinion, the "Going Green" option in hotels is reflective of the entire environmentalist movement.  Instead of "conserving the environment," what you are really doing is voluntarily accepting fewer services while paying the same amount of money.  Are you getting this?  "Going Green" means that you pay the same (or more, for the privilege of conserving), but get less.  The business gets the same amount of revenue from you, provides fewer services, and can say to the government that they are toeing the environmentalist line.  It is a win-win situation for them.

I have devised my own system for Going Green! in hotels, which is comprised of these four levels:

Level 0: The occupant takes no noticeable actions to "Go Green" and will reside in the Fourth Circle of Hell for Eternity.

Level 1: Decline housekeeping.  Reuse your towels and sheets, make your own bed and clean your own cups and glasses.

Level 2: Decline housekeeping and conserve amenities.  Instead of using the towels to dry off, use the hairdryer (which is powered by "green" energy).  To prevent the soiling of sheets, choose to sleep on the floor.  Drink water from your hand, not the glass.  Take showers that are no longer than three minutes.  If it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down!

Level 3: Conserve the entire room by refusing the room key and sleeping outside.  The staff will kindly provide you with a cardboard shipping container to help keep off the cold and rain, and a biodegradable bag for your excrement.  Upon checking out, you will deposit your cardboard box in the recycling bin for the next customer to use.  If you select this level, you will receive triple rewards points since you are such a low-impact customer on the business...I mean the environment.  Gaia (Mother Earth) will look favorably upon your actions when your body returns to Her Bosom.

1 comment:

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