by Max Reede
Remember the 1997 film, “Liar Liar,” starring Jim Carrey? Jim Carrey plays a scum-bag, career-focused, narcissistic lawyer and divorced father, Fletcher Reede, who has a habit of breaking promises to his young son, Max, and lying to just about everyone. When Fletcher misses his son’s birthday party, Max makes a wish that his father couldn't tell a lie for an entire day, and the wish immediately comes true.
Now Max has grown up and lives surrounded by true believers. What if he could get his wish for a day one just more time?
A frustrated American sent out this e-mail and asked if I would publish it anonymously. I decided to give him the fitting pseudonym, Max Reede.
The State of the Union ...(wait teleprompter is slow)
Economy: Is GREAT! We haven’t let a single CRISIS go to waste at all. We are having a ball now having spent on ONE sector, my dear friends in banking, the entire GROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT FOR ONE ENTIRE YEAR OF ALL AMERICANS. And so far, what we have to show for it...some great campaign contributions for me and my friends and Americans MAD at rich people. From there, I bought an auto industry, an insurance company, I'm working on drug companies and health care now as we speak with spending approaching another 2 - 3 trillion or more dollars (at least that is the start, it is hard to measure these things and I don’t want anyone getting any ideas). Oh, hold on can’t forget my energy bill. My good friend Al Gore, well, can’t let a good news item like shrinking ice sheets go to waste. So now I get to dictate terms to big OIL. My new FDA chief is so busy denying drugs and talking about all of these OTHER studies, I am about to have big Pharma in my pocket too. With Stimulus money I control the states, and even the construction companies in those states by making them conform to FEDERAL guidelines.
As for the strength of our union, I have managed to weaken it to a new breaking point. I have pitted race against race, I have hope pitted against fear, and I have managed to blame the entire thing on George Bush even to the point we might get criminal charges against someone who DOESN'T agree with me because I don’t like that Dick Cheney or Bush (John Tyler and Andrew Jackson, were thinking about coming after you again too). I have managed to express my views as a racist, my belief that America is a bad name in foreign countries and therefore we must subjugate ourselves to other countries, and even go overseas and talk about being Muslim. I am more than willing to pass mindless treaties, bow to some foreign leaders, and even insult my allies. I have the Hispanics in an uproar because I am picking controversial completely liberal MINORITIES, in my best political bet that if you do not vote for them, then you must be a racist. And even if you dodged that bullet (oh, I'm working on collecting those too), I then have Hispanics telling politicians, “There will be repercussions.” All this racism and NO ONE can say anything!!! Yea me! Oh, and we won’t apologize for slavery until we make it so that minorities can sue the government. If we attempt to put in any other language, my dear friends at the Black Caucus just won’t accept the bill. An apology isn't good enough, the tax payers MUST pay.
As for everything else going on, we are busy working on getting rid of those pesky old people, unless they are illegal or poor. Then it is OK, and we’ll treat them. We will decide who gets care, when they get it, and well blame Bush and the Republicans for getting us into this mess to begin with (Churchill was mostly right, if you are not a conservative by 40 then you are stupid). We know where they vote, time to thin the ranks.
Overall, I get great press and I look good. I get to blame Bush for everything, and while the media is in love with me, I basically can shove a 1000 page bill down the nation’s throat and tell them that without it, the sky will fall. Best part, THEY believe me! Except that pesky Fox news and I am working on that one. No more of this freedom of speech thing. Time to get rid of those folks that disagree, so instead of any debate where logic can rule, there will only be me. Free speech will only be allowed when it supports me. My campaign supporters will see to that, just like my friend Mel Simon. He will keep those people out of his 336 malls for me. As long as mine is the only nationwide message, we will be fine since my new friends at the media love to listen to me and do not ask any real questions that Rham didn’t approve. My friends at the FCC are working on that part. Once mine is the only message, where will they get news??? Yea me! And the BEST part, my FCC chair is doing this in the name of competition… Oh that tickles me to no end.
Guns... oh yea. We’ll get bullets first, then the usual suspects, assault rifles etc., and just like everything else, rather than look at what the facts say... we’ll trot out little Johnny who was the VICTIM of gun violence.(just like the health care, energy and all other reforms I am doing). I’ll make it an emotional issue, talk about how CRITICAL it is, pull your heart strings and then BAM, jam this baby home, quick before someone sees any facts or how incredibly stupid my solution is. Like the fact that the criminals have already said they do not get their guns at gun shows…that if we don’t have them, it won’t stop them…or the history of countries with gun control.
Oh yea, TAX the middle class too.... not just the rich.
I have decided that we no longer really need three branches of government. Rather, my 49+ Czars in conjunction with my friends in AmeriCorps and ACORN are going to run things. This checks and balances part, well that just won’t work for me. Rather, I need people that report only to me, are not vetted at all, no silly little congressional hearings or approvals, just me and my good friends. Heck, even Dick didn’t figure this one out! My Czars don’t even have to appear in Congress to testify. Since many of my cabinet members keep forgetting to pay taxes, and cause other kinds of problems, this is much better. Take my Science Czar for example; he’s such a great guy. He believes in "involuntary fertility control" and that newborn babies aren’t even really human beings yet. I never had to answer ONE question about who he was, and why he was in some position of power in my government. He reports directly to me and if I don’t like him... well I get rid of him. Besides, how else can I reward my dearest friends?
One more thing, to ensure that NO ONE can undo what I have wrought (not that I think that I am God, but perhaps the next prophet after Mohammad), I am going to re work the census and hand off some of the biggest deficits to ANYONE who comes after me. I might even get another shot at being President... it is two terms in a row isn't it? Besides, if they can’t prove I am even a citizen, what’s in a pesky interpretation? I can just skip a year, maybe let Hillary step into the mess I created and then I can come back and fix it again! What fun times rigging elections with my friends at ACORN.
So, I see the State of the Union as just about perfect, with only a few more steps... And then it will become MY America. One of racial division, one of class division, and after we are done all of the comrades will be happy in my Utopia (that I have wrought) where myself and the other elite intellectuals will tell you from on high (my new home will be called Olympus) what you can do, what you will do, what you should do, and WE WILL hand out punishments.